Many of us know what it's like to be frustrated in our significant relationships. When you feel unheard, misunderstood, and struggle to get on the same page with your loved ones, everyone suffers. Work on improved communication, increased security, and better connection with these few tips. You can thank us later;)
Relationship and couples dynamics are like a dance. These dances contain negative or positive feedback loops. These feedback loops either enhance or deteriorate security, desire, safety, connection, and closeness. All relationships are welcome to these tips and welcome in the therapy space. For example, parents and teens, employee and boss relationships, sibling relationships, and friendships often need fine-tuning. Whichever relationship in your life could use some calm, safety, and more connection, keep reading, we’ve got some tips for you!
Let this list of tips for relationships feed all areas of relationships!
Without further adieu, let’s jump into some tips that can support any relationship in addition to couples therapy, but especially those that matter to you the most.
Don’t ask questions that aren’t questions. Be Direct, but also Kind.
Some people were trained to not be direct in their communication style. Dealing with parents or past partners who were reactive to assertion teaches us to be less direct. Women will sometimes ask questions instead of saying what they want.
In PACT therapy we talk about self-activation as one of the primary tasks for someone who continues to function insecurely. Insecure attachment can fall into a mixture of different stances like anxious, ambivalent, avoidant, and/or disorganized. To move to a more secure functioning individual, self-activation is necessary. “I want”, “I need”, “I feel”, and “I am”. Self-Activation requires people to mobilize and communicate clearly and directly. Speak to each place of friction with assertiveness, kindness, and self-worth. When we complain, vent to friends or family, have loose boundaries, caretake, or focus on unmet expectations we have some growing up to do.
Being direct does not mean being rude, contemptuous, critical, or blunt. The lack of mindfulness about how your face, tone, and words impact the people around you will cost you. Being honest is not an excuse for being unkind. Continued lack of consideration will wear on the people in your life. Your people will learn you are not a kind person or a person they want to stay open, soft, and receptive to.
Own your needs and wants as yours
Your needs and wants are yours, they are not your significant other’s responsibility to take care of. They can and might help you, but they are only yours! Take, for example, a need for more physical touch or quality time. These are yours. Your significant other is not responsible for meeting these needs. You can make requests and talk with them about how you can work together to for more equity, compassion, and enhanced intimacy. You can get more buy-in from your significant other to help you with your needs if you are willing to hear and help them with theirs.
In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy at Compass Healing Project, understanding the unmet needs of who we are in a relationship with is an essential task in the first stages of work. Understanding the unmet needs in our relationship enhances empathy, compassion, understanding, and intimacy. If you know the needs and can discuss them, you have a better chance of getting those needs met. Pouting, complaining, criticizing, wallowing, shaming, blaming, or disconnecting is unproductive. Even more, those tactics are manipulative. By owning your needs and wants you will be setting yourself up for a successful conversation. And a better chance your needs and wants are not far off from getting met.
Talk through how you talk with one another. Communicate about how you communicate. Meta-communication.
Part of why couples therapy works is because a therapist is reflecting back on what is working and what isn’t working. As couples therapists we aren't getting caught up in WHAT you are fighting about (or not fighting about if there is avoidance). We are looking at HOW you are communicating. Focus on and investigate HOW you communicate. Your tone of voice, facial expressions, certain words or phrases, and body language do impact the sense of security or threat in your dynamic.
Use Attraction, Desire, Fun, and Playfulness instead of shame, criticism, or blame to get what you want.
Shame-based learning, teaching, and social sculpting are still alive and well in our society. Shaming and blaming use fear and shame to oppress agency and development. In our relationships, we have the power to nurture healthy development. Attraction, unconditional positive regard, choice, and playfulness nurtures authenticity and healthy agency. Instead of using blame like "you never" you use positive reinforcement and rewards to mold behavior. For example, "I would like for us to get a better system for the dishes, I would feel so loved and feel a lot softer towards you if we had a plan".
-“Hey sugar, I would love to give some yummy touches tonight if you are up for it. I’ll make it worth it to you by picking up dinner for us” instead of “You never want to have sex with me, what is going on with you?”
-“I know you are busy right now but sometime in the next few days I’d love to go on a walk and hold your hand to show you I’m with you”. Do this instead of, “You never stop working and you need to exercise, it would be good for your mood”.
Slow down, stop everything, put the phone down, and get face-to-face.
Here is a no-brainer about how humans connect. In our present highly-distractable world, this tip is non-negotiable. Our stress physiology is reading threat, or safety, from sounds, people, and the environment around us. Most people experience this stress on some level. If our stress physiology is dialed up, our bodies are set up to go into battle...when engaging in regular conversation...about the littlest things. This is why the fight is never about the laundry, the parking spot, or the dinner choice. One way we can self-regulate and co-regulate with our loved ones is to slow down and start the conversation in a calm and kind stance.
In Gottman’s therapy work, we use the concept of soft start-ups as a surefire way to develop safety in the communication dynamic. In a 6-year Longitudinal Study about conflict resolution, the first three minutes of a conflict predicted the outcome. This is profound and powerful information. This means, how you start the conflict will predict how it ends. If you want your conversations and conflicts to be more productive start with a softer start-up! For example, “I’d love it if we could talk about what happened at dinner last night with your parents”. Rather than, “Figure out how to have boundaries with your parents, they are so rude to me”.
Show your partner it is worth it to talk with you, to stay open, soft, brave, and authentic with you.
You have the power to take steps to make communication and conflict go better. This is part of our responsibility in being in relationships with people. We’d love it if people would overlook our well-worn communication patterns and "just accept this is our personality style" and move on. But unfortunately, if we want quality relationships we have to step up to the plate.
Communication and healthy dynamics take work and you can make a big impact with a few tips and tricks. If you want your loved one to respond to you with care, show them that you are putting in the effort to shift your stance, it will go a long way!
Improve Your Relationship Communication With Couples Therapy in Golden, CO and San Diego, CA
Are you and your partner struggling to communicate effectively and feeling disconnected? Our expert couples therapy can help you build stronger, more meaningful connections and enhance your understanding of each other. Our couples therapists at Compass Healing Project are here to help you start your journey towards a healthier, happier relationship! Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Reach Out and Fill out our New Client Inquiry Form to get started.
Schedule a discovery call with one of our specialized couples therapists
Reconnect with your partner with enhanced communication.
Additional Counseling Services at Compass Healing Project
At Compass Healing Project, we provide a holistic approach to therapy, incorporating a variety of modalities to address a wide range of issues. Alongside couples therapy, we offer EMDR, somatic therapy, hypnotherapy, ketamine-assisted therapy, Clinical Sexology, and embodiment practices. These therapies are effective in treating anxiety, depression, PTSD, grief and loss, and sexuality concerns. For more information and to get to know us better, visit our blog. Our Colorado and California clinics are staffed with caring therapists who specialize in trauma resolution, emotional healing, and integrative therapy. Ready to start your healing journey? Fill out our contact form, and we'll assist you in taking the first step towards a healthier, more connected life.
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