Taming the Four Horsemen: A Holistic Approach to Healing Relationships and How to Stop the Apocalypse from Happening in Your Relationship
- Jessi Eckert
- Apr 10
- 8 min read
Updated: 10 hours ago
Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument with your partner, heart pounding, muscles tight, wondering how that conversation got so big so fast? So many of us are unaware of behavioral patterns eroding our connections. So often, these relational difficulties stem from reactionary patterns that we do not choose rationally from a regulated, safe place. Instead, we act out of intensity, protective impulses, and survival energy.
Most of us have experienced a harmful and stressful exchange with our partners. Criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness mask our truest yearnings and desires.
Moments like these happen in every relationship, but when they start to characterize the majority of interactions, it could be a sign of trouble. According to John and Julie Gottman, patterns of Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling—known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—can predict relationship breakdown.
Protect your relationship from Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse through awareness and somatic interventions. Discover how your awareness of what breaks down relationships can help you break the negative cycle and find other, more productive, ways of relating. By understanding the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse through a somatic lens, couples can shift their interactions from reactivity to connection.
The Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse behaviors have been shown to precede failed relationships in many in-depth studies.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
Criticism is an attack on a partner’s character and is different from complaints about behavior. This can be chronic nitpicking and/or global overgeneralization about who your partner is as a person. A partner may use criticism regularly by focusing on a partner’s flaws, highlighting mistakes, by being disapproving, and correcting.
Defensiveness takes the form of claiming oneself blameless, defending actions without responsibility of impact on others. Putting walls up and counter-attacking happens in response to when hurt or an issue within the relationship is brought to their attention. May take a victim position. Often involves deflecting blame back onto one’s partner.
Contempt is displaying outward, disrespectful, and “I’m superior to you” behavior. This includes sarcastic mocking, name-calling, leaking out of bitterness, expressions of disgust, exasperation, yuck facial expressions, and eye-rolling in response to and towards your partner.
Stonewalling is withdrawal from the interaction. Stonewalling is an emotional avoidance strategy without communication of intent to return or intent to re-engage. People that stonewall sometimes pretend as if their partner is not there. It is expressed by non-responsiveness to one’s partner, avoiding eye contact, acting busy, or engaging in other distracting behaviors (Beenan, 2019).
The behaviors fall into two categories:
Attack Behaviors: criticism and contempt
Defense Behaviors: defensiveness and stonewalling
They all come into play when we are threatened and have a threat response, such as fight, flight, freeze, and fawn activated in the nervous system. These states happen when we perceive danger.
Why is it helpful to be aware of the threat response behaviors of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
It can help us to notice objectively if we are engaging in any of these actions to the detriment of our relationships. When we act in unhealthy ways, without the awareness that what we are doing being detrimental to our partner or relationship, we are wrecking havoc on the emotional and physical experience of safety. Knowledge is power, once you know, take the hint, and start making changes so you can get the relationship you want.
If a couple notices that these are common behaviors for them, they can then start to proactively engage in the counter behaviors that the Gottmans lay out.
The Gottmans offer valuable insight into the weaknesses and strengths of certain behaviors. Still, this insight can become more helpful and applicable when we understand the four horsemen from a somatic perspective. Head knowledge can only take us so far; if our goal is embodied transformation we must include the body in the conversation.
How can understanding the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from a somatic perspective help to heal our relationships?
The nervous system has four basic survival responses to threat: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. For simplicity’s sake, Fight and Flight are dictated by the Sympathetic Nervous System (excitation and mobilization). Freeze and Fawn are dominated by the parasympathic arm of the nervous system (immobilization and inhibition).
Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn are the deep, hardwired, protective survival mechanisms that underlie the threat response and they are why we react and behave the way we do when we are feeling unsafe.
These responses are vital to our survival as humans and should be honored for how they have served us in the past. Sadly, they often keep us in a holding pattern of disconnection from ourselves and others. These are learned survival responses from a threatened state of nervous system activation, we can be influenced by our default settings based off of what we were raised with as well.
When a couple finds these Four Horsemen in their relationship, there is a high likelihood there are:
Injuries without repair
Lack of emotional safety
Lack of regular connection
Chronic overwhelm
Lack of appreciation, connection, and acknowledgement
The Four horsemen are ways we fight for self-preservation and survival, but they are counter-productive for relational survival.
Criticism is a fight response. Being in a fight response can become a default setting for couples, especially if there is a lack of connection. One way to get that connection is to make negative comments. Our bodies can register threat in an argument with a partner and our first response can be to criticize, counterattack, or to blame.
Defense is a flight and fight (sympathetic) response of the nervous system, and it can shift to blaming and counter-attack. The flight portion of this stance is in how the person cannot take in and “flights” from responsibility by defending themselves and counter-attacking. Oftentimes shame, avoidance, and nervous system overwhelm underlies this stance.
Contempt is a fight response.
Stonewalling is correlated with the dorsal vagal shutdown or “freeze” state of the nervous system. It can also be led by a flight response with avoidance and escape. This stance is especially disruptive due to its nature to “cut off” connection without reassurance, a timeframe, with the inability to engage nicely for day-to-day responsibilities.
All of these are products of feeling unsafe in our bodies.
The miraculous beauty of understanding our nervous system is that it empowers us with understanding and choice that we might have never had access to in the past. When we can begin to identify our body’s signals of threat, we can notice and tend to some of its signs of unsafety.
For example, you are feeling overwhelmed with a messy house and a list of things to do. Your body is sending you signals with increased heart rate, tightness in your chest, and a feeling of unrest that is buzzing through your body. You could lash out instinctively at those around you, “Why doesn't anyone pick up their mess!?!” or calm your body with some slow, deep breathing. Orienting is an amazing tool to bring safety to your body by engaging your surroundings and bringing your mind back into alignment with the present moment.
Once your mind and body are calm, your brain can function logically. The safe state of our nervous system is a ventral vagal state of connection, where we naturally turn towards others. From this state, you may be able to formulate what you need at that moment and express it in an invitational manner that fosters connection and mutual understanding.
Some Somatic Alternatives to the Four Horsemen:
Instead of criticism (fight response): place a hand on your heart and take three long deep breaths to calm your body before you speak.
Instead of defensiveness (flight + fight response): Ground yourself physically. Press your feet into the floor and become aware of your steady strength.
Instead of contempt (fight response): resist the urge to mock or belittle and challenge yourself to say something affirming to your partner in that moment.
Instead of stonewalling (freeze + flight response): Move! Try to move your body in any way that might feel supportive: a gentle sway, walk, or shaking throughout your body before you reengage.
Other Healthier Behaviors That Antidote the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse:
Gentle start-ups
Building a culture of appreciation and respect
Taking ownership and responsibility
Physiological and emotional regulation (self- soothing)
Clear “I statements”, “I feel _______ when _______ and I’d like it if _____”
Regular deeper check-ins on one another, how one another feel and being open to feedback (asking for feedback).
Deep breathing
Orienting to the here and now to help your nervous system stay present
Spending time getting to know and pursue depth and intimacy with your partner
Self-Activation and Self-Advocacy that doesn’t use threat, criticism, defense, or stonewalling but rather use play, pleasure, reward, connection, and invitation.
Peter Levine often talks about the felt sense of safety in one’s body as a resource for healing and connection. He says that prior traumatic events in our lives can keep us in a place of unsafety and disconnection instead of connecting with ourselves and others (Birkel, 2024). Finding safety in one’s body is work that can look different for each person. Sometimes it involves personal therapy to process our own stories of trauma or harm. Couples therapy and individual therapy can help immensely to understand why we experience certain triggers in unique ways.
Couples can use this knowledge to start changing the way they interact with the people most important to them through awareness and practice.
It might seem challenging at first, but being compassionate and gracious with ourselves is a great starting point. Working backward might be where you need to start. Noticing when you criticize is a great first step, then letting that be a trailhead for exploration. Curiosity can be instrumental in understanding what early experiences may have conditioned your nervous system to react in certain ways.
Having repair conversations with your partner can also be a helpful tool to try a new way. We suggest taking time and space to cool down and find safety in your body and heart through orienting, nature, journaling, or movement like a walk or yoga. Once you feel less threat response in your body, you can reengage with your partner and try the interaction again from a ventral vagal state of connection. This will help you both naturally turn toward each other and foster connection and understanding, and can be a stepping stone towards true intimacy.
Next time you notice yourself about to lash out or react, pause, take a deep breath, notice what your body’s cues are trying to tell you, and choose a new, healthy response that fosters connection and vulnerability.
Start Working with A Relationship Therapist in Golden, CO
If you and your partner are caught in cycles of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling, you're not alone—and there's a path forward. Understanding the Four Horsemen through a somatic lens can help you break old patterns and build new, more connected ways of relating.
Our team of caring therapists can help you explore how your nervous system impacts your communication—and how healing can begin in both the body and the bond. Start your therapy journey with Compass Healing Project by following these simple steps:
Contact us and fill out our client inquiry form
Schedule a call to meet with a caring therapist
Start overcoming the Horseman and improving your relationship!
Other Services Offered with Compass Healing Project
At Compass Healing Project, we take a holistic approach to therapy, using a range of modalities to support various mental health needs. In addition to relationship therapy, we can help reclaim your nervous system with somatic therapy. We also offer EMDR, Clinical Sexology, hypnotherapy, ketamine-assisted therapy, and embodiment practices—each tailored to help with anxiety, depression, PTSD, grief, and sexuality concerns. To learn more about our services, visit our blog or connect with our compassionate therapists in Colorado and California, who specialize in trauma resolution, emotional healing, and integrative therapy to support your journey to well-being.
About the Author
Jessi Eckert is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist who works with couples for repair, intimacy, connection, and healing. She has training in Somatic Experiencing and specializes in first responder and military couples and relationships. She has openings for couples, individuals, and teens/parents in San Diego, California, and through online therapy in California.
References
Beeney, J. E., Hallquist, M. N., Scott, L. N., Ringwald, W. R.,
Stepp, S. D., Lazarus, S. A., Mattia, A. A., & Pilkonis, P.
A. (2019). The Emotional Bank Account and the Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse in Romantic Relationships of People with
Borderline Personality Disorder: A Dyadic Observational
Study. Clinical psychological science : a journal of the
Association for Psychological Science, 7(5), 1063–1077.
Birkel, S. (2024, March 3). 200: Peter Levine on Somatic
Experiencing and Couples Therapy. The Couples Therapy
Couch.
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